You know what, this has gone on long enough. I am done pretending. I want to start 2015 on an honest foot by finally saying: I hate museums. Okay, maybe “hate” is too strong of a word. And it is not entirely true. I enjoy museums, for about the first 30 minutes. Anything beyond 30 minutes and my brain goes into information overload and when that happens I just get extremely tired. If there is not a comfy bed, or at least sofa, for me to cozy up in at that point I will get either silly or fussy. Both of which are completely inappropriate moods when you’re at a place full of ancient artifacts or priceless art (some of which I will NEVER understand). Let’s not even talk about how embarrassing it is to be on the verge of one of these tantrums while surrounded by a multitude of sophisticated adults who have their lives put together and can physically and mentally handle more than 30 minutes of facts being smashed into their brains. I always thought age would turn me into one of these mature, intellectual people, but as I sit on the brink of 26 that Keatyn is still nowhere insight.
I tried to pretend I was that person. Gazing extra long at the swirly blobs of paint on that modern art piece, really trying to dig deep and interpret what it means. Reading the plaques of endless facts about that terracotta bowl that is cracked in half. But really, after the initial awe and enjoyment, my brain is off daydreaming. Probably about anything; but most likely it’s thinking, “How long do I have to stare at this to make it look like I am really thinking about it…. Okay, that person walked up after me, and they are already walking to the next piece. HA! Do they even care about modern art? Are they not moved at all? I bet they don’t even have their life put together. Do they even realize how silly their shoes look? They look bored. Do I look bored? Do I look like I am pondering enough? Do my shoes look silly?”
Of course, when I get tired and fussy from all the information overload, I also start to get hungry. The next thing I am sure to be thinking about, while spending just the right amount of time in front of each display, is how much longer I have to wait until we can just leave and get food. A museum outing is almost never a stand-alone event. It is, and should be, almost always accompanied by lunch or dinner, or at the very least coffee. I believe this is the way God intended it. Crack open the Bible, I am sure it is in there somewhere. Even if it is not, it should be. It is one of my fundamental beliefs. And if you think getting lunch before the museum is a good idea, think again buddy!!! Do you really want me to be to be full, tired and fussy?! What am I going to think about and look forward to? How am I going to hold it together long enough to get our $10 worth?
If we are really being honest, taking me to a children’s science museum is probably going to get the best bang for your buck. Not that you’re paying, this isn’t a date. But actually you are paying, for yourself, and if you don’t want to feel rushed by my impending tantrum and you really want to enjoy the exhibits you should probably take me to a children’s museum. At children’s museums they let you touch shit, they explain facts with brightly colored font, and no one is walking around with their nose in the air like they have their lives put together. No one even flinches if you have a tantrum, it is welcome and expected here.
My favorite artifact at the Acropolis Museum in Athens