I mean, who wouldn’t want to be my Amazing Race partner?

Call me cocky, but I am 100% certain that I would make a super awesome partner for The Amazing Race. Are they still making new seasons of that show? They should be, because I need to be on it. If you were my partner, we would totally kick ass. Seriously…

  1. I am not super competitive, so you know I am not going to be stressing or freaking out when we are coming in last. I won’t be yelling at you for totally failing at that last pit stop challenge. I certainly won’t be blaming myself for messing up the directions. I believe in the underdog, I believe in things working out how they are supposed to. And these are all things I will be reminding you of as we sit in a taxi that is backtracking through bumper-to-bumper traffic, because we got lost and are now in last place. It’s okay… we are going to be fine. I bet the other 9 teams all made the same mistake too. Yeah maybe they didn’t end up two hours off track, but still. It is all going to work out exactly how it is supposed to.
  2. I can ask, “Where is the bathroom?” in 3 languages. Really, what other language skills are needed? This is probably my strongest contribution to our team. You’re welcome.
  3. I grew up on a farm, so I can throw and stack hay bales really well. This really has less to do with the race itself, and is more for our introductory video about who we are. Who wouldn’t love a little video montage of a Minnesota girl in boots throwing hay bales around? I will look tough, but still cute and very approachable. It will remind the viewers, especially those in the Midwest, that hey, I am just like one of you. Extra bonus if you are a city slicker. Who doesn’t love a tale of opposites, coming together, working through our comical differences and beating all odds to win the million dollars? That right there will win our fan’s hearts.
  4. Speaking of the million dollars, you can keep it. Yeah, I am sure, have it all. I don’t ever want to be rich. I am not doing this for the fame or fortune. I am doing this for the beautiful places we will see. But I am certainly not going to stop you, if as a thank you to me for being such an amazing partner and friend, you want to buy me a beautiful little farm on a mountainside. And even if you wanted to also buy me a really small private jet with a pilot on call 24/7 so I could travel anywhere and everywhere I ever wanted to, forever, well, I suppose that would be okay too. But, really, you can keep the money when we win.
  5. I can drive a car with a manual transmission. I can’t really drive a stick, or any car for that matter, in really busy, unfamiliar cities, so if we end up in a city I haven’t been to before, we are going to have to pull a Chinese fire drill and you’re going to need to drive. Seriously, the stress and frustration I get from driving a stick in new cities is dangerously high. You will learn quickly enough how to drive a stick. Once you’re in first gear it is smooth sailing from there. Just, please hurry, but go easy on the clutch. Push in the gas a little more. Try to get a feel for it. But please hurry up. I know I said I am not competitive, but I really don’t want to end up in last place AGAIN. Come on, hurry up!!! Why didn’t your dad ever teach you how to drive a stick? I bet you cant even change a tire or the oil, either. Boy, you sure are lucky to have me for your partner.
  6. I can eat a lot. If there is a pit stop challenge to eat a giant juicy burger with tons of bacon or like 50 cream cheese wontons, I totally have us covered. We won’t even have to talk about who’s turn it is to do the challenge, or if I am sure I can handle it. I know I can. All my life has been preparing me for this moment. I won’t let you down. But… if it comes to eating something squiggly, alive or weird, you’re going to have to take have to take one for the team here. Just suck it up, literally. It can’t be that bad. Come on. HURRY! We are going to be in last place, again!!! Just pretend it is a giant juicy burger and that those centipedes are just strips of squiggly bacon.
  7. I may not be very good at directions or orientation, but once we are lost, I am really good at getting help. If you will just calm down, stop yelling, and just let me handle this! I have no shame in asking for directions. I have done it millions of times. And it doesn’t even matter that I can’t speak the language. Everyone always tells me that I use my hands too much when I speak, but today it is going to save us! Pointing, shoulder shrugging and flailing arms is the universal language. We will be back on the right track in no time. Trust me, I am pretty sure they said to go west, and this looks westish to me. Let’s go! Take the keys, it’s rush hour, you have to drive. HURRY. Do you want that million dollars or not?!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s