The #1 Reason the German Language Makes Me Want to Cry

It is no secret that die, der, or das is an important aspect of German vocabulary. Simply translated it means, “the.” But the German language never agreed to be simple. Each noun, depending on its gender, carries the corresponding article with it. I was told in the beginning that it is important to always learn the correct article with each new noun. But I honestly really didn’t believe that it would make that much of a difference, so I put the flashcards in the “learned” pile, even if I wasn’t 100% perfect on that little 3-letter word in front.

I assumed the noun and the article were friends, and would go everywhere together, but, oh boy was I wrong! That tiny, seemingly innocent 3-letter word is actually a shifty, sneaky bastard.

When a feminine noun is the subject of a sentence, she has her Die in front, like a lady. When she wanders into a sentence where she is now the direct object, she politely holds onto her Die. But when she finds herself to be the indirect object of everyone’s attention, suddenly she gets insecure, and greedily grabs the masculine Der. Which might pose a problem, but a masculine noun as the indirect object doesn’t even care. He doesn’t dare ask for the Der back, because he is busy now with Dem. On occasion Den will wander in, but only when it is time for things to get even more confusing. See, Den gets along well with the masculine noun, as long as he is the direct object of everyone’s attention. But when Den is at a plural party he gets a little uncomfortable and slips to the background with the other indirect objects. Die is usually quiet, polite, and hangs out with the feminine nouns, but when you bring her to that plural party she livens up and is happy to hang out with any gender nouns, as long as the group are the subject or direct object of the shindig. Das is a loyal friend to his neutral nouns, except when it becomes the indirect object and then it has enough and walks out, leaving Dem to come in once again and pick up the slack.


Now I know what you’re thinking, this isn’t that difficult. Just memorize this simple, color coordinated table. But it appears easy, because that is exactly what they want you to believe. They want you to think about a sentence and believe that it is possible to get it right. But just as the words are pouring from your lips you realize you can’t remember if, “the table” is das or die Tisch, or actually now that you’re saying it in your head, der Tisch kind of sounds correct. But when you say, “On the table” does that make it the direct or indirect object? You get cocky, asking what they taught in your middle school English class, “Just ask who/what, or to whom/what, to figure out which it is.” But guess what, that question only slightly applies in German, and actually it’s more a question about if the noun is moving or not. Which honestly makes a whole lot of not much sense in many instances.

So you’re standing there, while the look on your face is a combination of intense thought and constipation, with all of this is racing through your head, when you realize it was a full 5 minutes ago that your boyfriend asked you where you set his keys.



4 thoughts on “The #1 Reason the German Language Makes Me Want to Cry

  1. How funny is this!! Hahaha….sorry ! xoxox

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